When Your World Stands Still

I knew something was wrong the moment I woke up that day. They say a mother knows...

I tried to get in for an earlier ultrasound and as I drove to the appointment I had an overwhelming sense of grief. I started praying for LOVE LIGHT LIFE over her as I often did when I got anxious. With the playlist I created for her homebirth approaching playing in the background, I started talking to my dad (his ashes) about my fears as I pulled into the parking lot.

When I laid down in the dark room I looked away from the screen. I knew what I would see because for my daughter to be so active all the time, she felt like she was curled up. The amazing tech turned off the screen and turned down the sound and asked for my midwife's number. She came back in and as she calmly asked if there was anyone that could take me to the emergency room I could see the tears squeezing in her eyes, mirroring mine.

I calmly said. " There is no heartbeat is there"

She said she was sorry, she couldn't find one and that the sooner I went to the ER the better.

I called my "sister" and she came immediately. I called my husband and asked him to please call my mum and meet me at the er, there was something wrong.

The moment my sister came in the door she grabbed me and I hugged her like my life depended on it. I knew. I knew she wouldn't leave my side until this was all over.

I sobbed on the way over knowing this was ending. Seven months of my daughter growing, beating all the odds, thriving even. In the blink of a moment. She was gone. Gone like all of the rest of our babies.

Much of that day and evening became a blur leading up to the actual birth of Virginia Grace the following day. But the things I do remember were how kind the staff was.

I remember the swhoosh of our Priest's robs. I remember wishing my mum and dad were there. I remember my husband holding me telling me we would survive this.

I remember both of my "sisters" being there taking care of everything for me. I remember feeling so alone while surrounded by people that loved me and I remember feeling like my father and daughter were near me.

Death can stop us in our tracks. Death is inevitable and I like to think can be a very welcome thing when we get the chance to plan for it, but we don't always get to plan for it...

Have you talked about death with your family? Have you had a death that stopped you right where you were and are still picking up the pieces?

Here at Memory Eternal Death and Stillbirth Doula Services we understand. We are here for you and your loved ones. During the planning and the aftermath.